The four quadrants to happiness
What we could be doing more of and less of to cultivate happiness
We’ve all had them, the big signs pointing to happiness that lead to dead ends. Just like when you thought getting that raise, which you’ve worked so hard for, would make you happy… and it didn’t quite make you happy. It sure felt good but … you can’t really call it happiness, can you?
Then there is that moment: drinking a warn cup of tea, looking at the sky on a cold raining day and suddenly you feel content, at peace. Nothing particular about that moment and yet here it is. Happiness decided to visit.
So how (and where) on earth do we find this happiness. The answer is in the words! It seems that happiness is more like a field you cultivate, rather than a rainbow you follow to find a pot of gold.
So let’s reframe the question: how (on earth) do we cultivate happiness?
The things that “do good” and “feel good”
This is your number 1 priority for cultivating happiness.
These are usually small things that do not directly contribute to our grand scheme to success and therefore are quickly dismissed and deprioritised. But they are the things that make us feel good every time. And we often wonder why we don’t do more of them.
Going for long walks, reading, writing, dancing, spending time with loved ones, meditating, spending time in nature… you name it. They all feel good and DO good.
The trick here is that these activities often are done for the sole purpose of the joy they provide. They require minimal extra efforts to convince us to do them because we genuinely enjoy them. They are not linked to a source of revenue or external validation.
Hint — how to find what these activities are for you? Ask yourself:
- What do you often do just for fun? What activities brings you joy?
- What would you do even if you were not paid?
The things that do good but don’t always feel good
Here come the pain points. We know they do good but gosh they can be painful and/or tedious. These are often activities we think of increasing when we are on an active pursuit of happiness, when we want to see change.
Going to the gym, working extra hard for your exams or at work, even things like cleaning and decluttering regularly or sleeping early could be in this category.
They feel good inside, and also contribute to looking good outside because they bring tangible visible results that increase what we consider being external signs of worth or success. For these reasons, we often have them as priority 1.
Here is why we should consider making them our priority 2 instead.
1. They can be hidden traps for external validation, making us think that they are the silver bullet to finding happiness (yet again that pot of gold) — and as such can lead us to some obsessive and rather unhealthy behaviours.
2. They also often suffer from friction costs, which can be good because they teach patience, perseverance and discipline. But that often makes them hard to sustain over the long run.
Hint — how do you make the best of these p2 activities?
- Focus on the learning, not the result. What values are these activities teaching you?
- Learn to enjoy the process. The goal is to make these activities part of your routine: just challenging enough to give you some results but not so painful that they are unsustainable.
Things that feel good but don’t do good
Remember the big (yellow) flags? Here they are.
These activities trick our brain into feeling an immediate sense of pleasure that soon washes away to leave us as hungry as we were before or sometimes even emptier.
In addition, they are often associated with external recognition or a desire to connect with others. And more than often then do the exact opposite.
Those, you should not just deprioritise but aim to reduce to a max. Scrolling endlessly on social media, spending money on material things, emotional eating, alcohol consumption, procrastinating… You name it.
Hint — how to reduce these:
- Set limits to reduce them gradually (e.g. no more than x amount spent on shopping per month) and put in barriers to prevent you from exceeding what you are allowed.
- Find an accountability buddy (or multiple). People you’ve shared your objectives with and who will be there to hold you accountable for not keeping your word.
Things that do not feel good and do not do good
These are things you should never spend your energy and time on. Sometimes they may feel good in the instant, but we know it won’t last. And the aftermath is hell. You want to remove these from your life at all cost.
Pretty Straight forward you would say. Not quite….
The trap with these behaviours is that very often they have much deeper and complex roots. They may be linked to social norms, peer pressure, trauma or worst. Self-harm, drug consumption, even things like staying in a toxic relationships…
Hint — How do you go about removing these from your life:
- Think about what goes in this box for you. If you find yourself adding to this box, it’s ok. Acknowledging these behaviours for what they are is the first step.
- Whether you feel that you can do it on your own or not, some help can be very handy here. From a professional to people in your close circle that you trust and feel can help, you don’t have to do this alone.
Here we go. You can now create your personal road-map (to) happiness. If you haven’t done it already, now is the time to try this exercise for yourself.
What would you put in these quadrants? What can you do more of and less of on your journey to happiness?
